You’ve come in from work or school after a long, hard day. You’re tired and just want to sit in the bedsitter. Your girlfriend is around. She asks you to take out the bins because she thinks she’s in charge of your cleanliness. Suddenly you’re in the middle of an epic fight about something completely different that probably happened months, if not years, ago.
You’re lost and confused and in between bouts of arguing your case, you cast an eye to the sofa forlornly. You better make peace with the fact that your relaxing night won’t be starting any time soon. You can kiss that sofa goodbye, although there’s a good chance you might end up sleeping on it later if she tears up your mattress to a thousand pieces with a scissors.
Women are sneaky when it comes to fighting. They have a whole arsenal of tools and manoeuvres specifically designed to shoot you down and win the battle. Don’t believe me? Here are some of their common tactics:
- The Ambush: In a woman’s mind, the best way to start an argument is when you’re not expecting it. Why? Because it gives them a better chance of getting you to do what they want you to. They’re evil. So rather than acting like an adult and discussing the bins with you after you’ve both spent an hour relaxing, they’ll pounce on the topic as soon as you come in the door when you’re tired and completely off guard.
- Memory: It has been scientifically proven that men remember specific details about their lives. Women, on the other hand, remember absolutely everything that has ever happened IN THE HISTORY OF ALL TIME. Their memory is so good that they will remind you of stuff you did 4 or 5 years ago. Elephants have got nothing on them.
- Randomness: They will bring up stuff that has got absolutely nothing to do with the current argument in an attempt to confuse you. Example: “I can’t believe you won’t buy me, your girlfriend, anything for my birthday and don’t think I didn’t see you flirting with that girl at that church outing in Karura in 2011!”
- Endurance: After a certain point you will be so exhausted with the fight that you’ll just give up and walk away but they won’t let you. Oh no. They’re hardwired to keep going.
- Niceness: The nicer they are to you before an argument begins, the less chance you have of winning said argument. When a woman is talking to you quietly rather than screaming at you, get out of there. They can turn from lovely, understanding girlfriend/would-be wifey to the Kraken in the space of three minutes.
How do you cope when your girl is intent on starting a fight with you? It’s simple really. Do nothing. Yes, it may go against every single bone in our male bodies but it is the best thing to do. Just stand there and stare blankly into space. Don’t argue, don’t move – just stand there. At first she’ll probably go mental but eventually she’ll just get fed up. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is fighting with someone who resembles an inanimate object? It’s no fun.
You see, if you argue back with them it becomes their mission to point out the many, many ways in which you are wrong (because in their minds, men are always wrong). But if you just stand there and don’t engage, they get bored and eventually realize that they’re wasting valuable shopping/sleeping/eating time. They will wander off and leave you there and probably forget that the entire thing ever happened – until they need to remind you about it in a future fight, that is, in 2030 or 2033.
If you simply MUST say something to them during an argument, throw them off guard by doing what they least expect you to do: talk about your feelings. You know those things they’re always banging on about? Nothing will stop them dead in their tracks more than the sight of their boyfriend beginning a sentence with the phrase: “It really hurts my feelings when you…”
It’ll make them feel guilty when they remember that you actually are a human being capable of emotion rather than the heartless dirty monster who won’t take out the trash bins.
And the easiest way to end a fight? Just tell her that you love her. Even if she’s being mental and you don’t really like her right now and want to tell her to take out the DAMN trash bins out herself, it’ll shut her up and ensure that you don’t sleep on the sofa because ati your mattress was cut into pieces.