It’s me here again fighting technology. Most of you make me sick. I’ve visited the internet to look for reasons for skipping the sprinkle (I showered yesterday after all) and all I bump into after a marathon on social media is your #ThrowBackThursdays melodrama. All these pictures devoted to making me feel that I can’t get a life, huh? I know I’m saying this like for the 9237492347th time. I don’t want to throw Thursday back. I want to throw it away. So away! In other news, I opened an Instagram account 2 weeks ago solely to stalk people. I did this to my self.
First things first. It wasn’t writers’ block. T’was just me. Me, thinking I’m in the video of ‘Wake me up when September ends’. Me, in the pursuit of Mammon, tried to keep my thoughts to myself. But I couldn’t contain the excitement.
Is that a word? It is like the Lord Voldemort of all verbs; it must not be named at ALL. It’s that growing up thing that peeps speak of. In layman’s lingua, it’s that stage of life when you start googling stuff you don’t know because you should always know.
Whoever discovered being an adult, “Would you please come and take your discovery back and we’ll refund you the money?” I can’t believe I used to think people my age were adults. Maybe we’re meant to say this until when life begins (at 40).
Good luck. I’ve started coming to terms with the fact that I’m a basket case. Not a big deal considering that little Moses of old was once one too. But beautiful girls came to bathe and took him away but … me I’m still just here like … huh? Oh yeah, and he was a kid.
Yet we all are messed up freaks. We invented growing up. Well, I’ve come to accept the awesome patchwork of mess that I am but never claim to be. With a pinch of immaturity though. However, I’m only good at pretending I’m cool. But inside, I’m fire and brimstone and poor at adulting.
That’s why I’m wearing an ‘animal tailed suit’ while hiding behind a ‘cotton rabbit-face mask’ while writing this. Where were these things when I was growing up? No. They ain’t mine. I’ve had to hide in the fitting room of the clothes’ section of this supermarket to try them out. Still in here. And … I might be busted any time. Any time! That’s how my life is. It’s that weird car driving with its blinker on half the time for no reason.
Wait … This was meant to be about how to mess up as an adult and be the envy of your friends, right? It’s so bad how we are monsters dressed like people, just because we think monsters are doomed. Here we go;
Monster Tip No. 1
My favorite childhood memory is getting laundry done by the responsible folks. These days, I avoid creating a large pile of laundry by discarding items of apparel all over the floor in the location that I’m standing when removing it. I’ve never had to look at another washing pile the same way again (with hatred, that is) as my laundry is always nicely spread all over the house.
Monster Tip No. 2
I don’t like people thinking that I don’t respect their time but I also don’t like situations where I have to rush around the ‘cave’ like a Tasmanian Devil on drugs because I got late napping or catching up on technology.
Yeah. I spelled that right. Late! Late like the egg that came and found the chicken already there. But late is for girls, no? There’s this deep-seated fear that I’m apparently becoming the girl I’d want to marry.
Monster Tip No. 3
You know that thing adults do; where they go waste scented candles and probably a goat’s life at a high end facility just to convince each other they’re not messed up? That thing called dating. It doesn’t work. It has been shown that both rats and monkeys learn from making errors, yet we have not. Our history proves this. Total sham.
Simply play hide and seek by ignoring each others texts and throw wet sand at one another at the beach when you finally meet up. You’ll possibly mature in time to call the priest for your vows. I hope I’m doing well on this one.
Monster Tip No. 3
See how kids run around everywhere? Like zombies?
I like it.
I wonder why people haven’t discovered that running on a treadmill is absolutely boring. Don’t run on a treadmill. Just run away. From your house … your boss … visitors … anything there is to run away from.
Monster Tip No. 4
Googling how to do stuff is so adult. Yuck! I’ve created culinary masterpieces by mixing ingredients randomly and putting them on the flame to bake. It’s simple. You just need to ask yourself,
‘What do i feel like doing?’
‘And what am I meant to be doing?’
Well, randomly mix the two and you end up swinging at your seat in the office, having all the fun.
Monster Tip No. 5
Decisions? Look, we all learn by trial and error. Mostly error. Most of my decisions are made by doing the ‘pickie pinkie ponkie, father had a donkey’. It has never been easy to know decisions that make me act my age because I’ve never been this old before. However, based on the reactions of people around me, it has worked out pretty much fine so far.
Monster Tip No. 6
When I’m in deep problems? Many times I’ve gone to a restaurant to drink coffee and pretend I know what I’m doing. Some times I’ve felt like inviting an adult but then I horrifyingly realize I’m one. But there’re older adults.
An adultier adult.
Someone better at adulting than me. I’ve always successfully resisted the urge though. Ignoring problems is the best adulting tip I have so far.
Monster Tip No. 7
Use a planner; especially those that have a name, or a consultant. That way, you get someone to always tell you what to do. Alarm clocks have done me a great good deal too. Nevertheless, I think someone should invent one that screams at you and spanks or slaps you awake when you snooze it.
Monster Tip No. 8
What if you treated you paycheck like the way I used to do my school report card – pretend the document never existed until asked for it? Money? I don’t know what to tell you. But I’m so broke yesterday I had to choose between paying my national social security premium and having a super-cool haircut. I went out, met a buddy and we had lots of ‘mutura’. That’s it.
Yes, because I don’t allow adulting to get in the way of my fun.
Because we’re all prolly still figuring things out the same way we did ages ago as kids – by accident. Because, it feels like we’re spending all of our time trying to be okay. ‘WriterDog’ is back. Missed this place.
This episode contains scenes that have been tried and can only be tried in clearly controlled environments. Please; do not try this at life/home under normal conditions.