Hole in one?

bad day

Today’s one of those bad days. Yeah. T’was my day of the month. Ok. I’ll behave. I just miss pizza, that’s why. But it’s pretty easy to know you’ll have a bad day when you wake up wearing something you actually spent hours looking for, the night before, yet you didn’t get it. Have you ever gone to bed thinking curse words but thanking God you didn’t say them because you are a good boy? That’s me :D. I looked for my specs yester-night and woke up wearing them. I don’t like those silly games Satan. How dare you return my specs in my sleep? I really made a fool of myself; with dignity though because I was all alone and no else to laugh at me. Satan failed, loser! Don’t we all sometimes do it? Yet I should have known that’s how a bad day starts.

Just two hours ago I realized I’d made a hole right at the centre of the universe. Do you know what they say about golfers? They wear two pairs of pants just in case they make a hole in one. Stop wondering. If you’re a golfer and you have one pair, dash home. That’s their dirty little secret and you should’ve known better. Well, I’m not a golfer. But i had a hole in one…. of my pants. Sadly, the one I’ve been wearing since morning. I still can’t believe I’ve been waving back at damsels with such a gaping exposure. My! I just wish pants were optional. I now forever hate them!

So, I’m leisurely seated on a concrete bench at the Pregnancy Square, tapping and scrolling on a laptop when the stares of a cat just puzzle me. Cats don’t stare at me friends. Girls do, when I’m not seeing them obviously, but cats? It has never happened before. Left me wondering, do cats blink? I shoo the girly beast away but she’s so adamant. Now, girls don’t do that. I wish they did. Anyway, light-bulb idea. ”Just deny her the attention and see what she does.” I continue crashing my “Most Wanted” Audi, safely secured from the world in my headphones, when this forever-to-thank mistress approaches, taps me on my thigh and i look up.

“Hi?”

“I’m great, you?”

“Nice too, what would you think if i saw your underwear?”

“I’d say ‘Thank you for doing business’. Are you selling boxers? I don’t need any now.”

*that’s me trying to appear sharp and fast at grasping stuff*

“Well, there’s a hole right down there below.”

*she points wherever, but i guess she points beneath my seat*

“Oh! That’s why the cat’s staring? She’s staring at a hole with a rat right below me? I should’ve known that, dumb me!”!

“What cat?”

*i point at beast as i try to locate a hole beneath my seat*

Hahaha, she’s staring at a hole in your crotch mister.

You should’ve seen how fast i snapped my thighs together like you do a good well-read book right after finishing it. It’s still hard to believe i don’t have friends. How many have seen that since morning? Thank heavens; there was someone who actually remembered to invent boxers.

You can zip up quickly when you’re caught unawares ridding an itch but you can’t zip up a hole in the crotch. You can only go home,  go buy new pants or go crazy and pretend you’re nuts so that nobody cares. It’s so awkward, especially when you realize you’ve interacted with tons of people and no one told you!

That’s why I’m here drinking hot coffee that tastes like freedom. Yet, there’s always something to be grateful for. That I wasn’t that chic the other day that had that with her favorite workout pants… mind you she was going to the gym and sweating her butt off with a hole in it.

Please check if you’ve tucked your shirt in your underwear that’s showing, and go away!

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