25 lines to ladies

Hey ladies. This post is strictly yours. Lucky you. The ‘Wild Ventures’ behind-the-scenes team did a very wild venture in various parts of the country and in a successful survey, did a poll of the MOST 25 things men would like ladies to know (25 lines to ladies), but fear to ambush them with. We were tired of hearing that all men are dogs and all men are this and that. See what a lot of women like to do is categorize every guy the same because of guys that they have been with. Just because your ex-boyfriend was a ‘jack’ of the wrong trades, pun intended, or someone you were talking to only wanted to hit it and quit it, doesn’t mean that every guy is like that.The survey confirmed that men are not dogs as widely assumed, but good-natured neighbors in this world whom you have to live with.

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… we’re not all dogs…

They said,

Dear Ladies,

  1. The only way to look thin is to hang out with fat people. So you better have fat friends, otherwise stop nagging about weight.
  2. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid and misinformed beholder a black eye. Yeah, a man said this.
  3. All you need is love, ladies, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. In fact all you need is chocolate.
  4. Don’t tell your guy you need space. If you do and he gives you a 1 terabyte external hard disk, that’s enough space for a whole 2 years. Don’t complain. Otherwise avoid the word ‘space’.
  5. Good men have the patience of a recently escaped serial killer. Look for these ones. They’ll wait as you spend a whole 3 hours in the bathroom; won’t complain when they wait in the car for 30 minutes and will stay rooted in the sitting room as supper goes on in the kitchen. No nosing around the kitchen area or going to the car-wash. Apparently, good men don’t exist; just make do with these ones available.
  6. At some point, that loving relationship you cherish is going to develop into a battle of sighs and eye rolls. If it happens after you’re married, sorry; unlike your laptop keyboard, there’s no ‘Esc’button.
  7. No one types faster than a pissed off chic. When pissed off, take your assignments or anything you need typed and type them fast. Insults and gossips on text sms won’t build you.
  8. If your campus GPA Score is doing worse than your love life or your bank account; don’t worry, just pray and pray hard that he proposes. If your bank account is doing worse than your college GPA and love life; don’t just sit there. Get a job. Men notice when your hair’s not done. If your love life is doing worse than your college GPA and your bank account, I’m sorry. That won’t work. Get a puppy, love the puppy, and call that love life. If you can’t tell which one’s doing worse; your GPA, love life or bank account, you are a man. Stop thinking female and man up please.
  9. If you ever find yourself in front of a police sketch artist telling you to describe the thug or assailant, and you can’t remember, just describe the police officer. He won’t realize, in fact all men are this way. You should pay me for this.
  10. If a girl has a new hairstyle and doesn’t immediately post at least 5 pictures of it on facebook, she explodes. FACT. So please post those pics immediately you leave the salon.
  11. Mosquitoes can silently suck away the fats beneath your skin. Let them bite, the spots on your face and hands will be worth it.
  12. Do you have a cat? Men pretend they love cats when ladies are around; but when away, we kick them far up to the chimney. Don’t say I didn’t tell you.

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    …kukumiss nayo…
  13. Before he makes the first move, just know he stalked you. And stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together, but only one of them knows about it.
  14. Don’t inbox/send/whatsapp anyone nudes, even your girlfriend. They spread like fire. Every man will have them.
  15. Men still want explanations to: why do you shave eyebrows and paint them back with black eye pencils again? What does booby trap mean, is it when i step on a bra, then slip and fall?
  16. Look at your guys’ hands. Are they big? If yes, he ‘catches feelings’. Doesn’t mean he’s bad though. Just don’t nag him.
  17. When you text me ‘kukumiss nayo’ (i miss you) I’ll reply with a blank text. Just say ‘i want you here and now immediately’. That’ll work.
  18. If there happens to be an explosion e.g.; grenade or something, just jump on the nearest man. We’ll understand.
  19. Be like us men; we’ll never run after a bus or a girl. There will always be another one.
  20. Why fall in love when you could fall on the floor and never get up?
  21. How to lose weight cleverly? Turn your head to the left, then right. Repeat this whenever offered food.
  22. Kenyan ladies especially: fake hair, fake nails, fake tan, fake eyelashes, you’ll get a fake man.
  23. Why say ‘I’m expecting a baby’. Of course we know you aren’t expecting a shoe, teddy bear or puppy. ‘I’m expecting’ is well enough.
  24. You don’t have to pretend you love football. Comments like ‘wow, Samsung has scored a nice goal’ are not tolerated by men. Samsung is not a player. Samsung sponsors the club.
  25. And lastly, that day when he’ll tell you,’twende tukatembee mashambani’, just know it’s a score. You’ve won. Before that happens, just cross your fingers and expect nothing.

Yours lovingly,

Wild Ventures Team.

On behalf of all male correspondents who participated in the 25 lines to ladies survey..

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Meet the behind-the-scenes team for the 1st time!

 

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