Hey pal, i didn’t tell you about Saturday. I promised I’d be telling my fans everything! No secrets! Sato was FUN! Of course i normally don’t plan my days. If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging that would be no problem. But i arise every morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. So there i was, seated on a concrete bench just outside my hostel room in Hall 9 wondering whether the voices in my head bother other people; like you, let’s say. The voices in my head are voices, not voice so i decided to name them. Remember these awesome people exist only in my sham world, or maybe they are previous versions of me like WildVentures 3.0, then WildVentures 4.0 etc. Anyway, i’ll introduce you to the dominant voice, Jack. Jack’s the dominant one because he always reminds me that nobody’s single, just romantically challenged. According to him, the rules of life are only 3: Admit nothing, deny everything, and make counter-accusations. He’s the guy who talks in my sleep, though he also comes handy with good moral advice eg: when i’m driving any vehicle and another voice (Ruby), wants me to speed down the highway, Jack goes like “… And all governors may be impeached except the car’s speed governor. These even the MCAs (Motorists’ Club Association) cannot impeach on any resolution. “ And that makes me stop speeding.
Then there’s Roby. This gentleman is a patient wolf and a schemer. One time i’m idle in my room thinking about my issues with the Hall Nine Custodian who claims i cook with the whole of campus electricity since i use a 1970 version of electric coil. That when i turn on my cooker coil, all the lights go off like it’s “Action Time”. Then Roby suggests, “Quick! Get a pen!” I do as he says. I always obey the voices in my head. “Good, now write the custodian’s obituary.” I write. “You are magic. Good! Now drop it in the Hall’s suggestion box.” Wow! Roby’s the winner-voice i think. If you’ve heard the Hall’s Custodian claim his life is in danger, don’t get worried for him. However, he’s mostly silent. He’s also the one who complains to me when I’m talking to a moron like, “hey, some people you meet?! I wonder, like was this the fastest sperm?” Of course that’s when Jack tells Roby to shut up.
Then there’s Joe. I named him Joe like me because he likes beginning his conversations with, “Joe, d’ya know you are me, and i am you?” Quite convincing but don’t you believe i am the voices in my head. He’s an inciter too, the most logical comrade and the one who takes over when i’m around or dealing with girls and/or money. He remind me to text my girlie every 2 seconds so that her phone dies and she can’t get any other guys’ numbers into her phonebook, wherever she is. Joe’s the skilled bargainer too, ‘Ati ulipe 200 bob kwa kinyozi? Never! Kwani atanyoa ujinga?’ (why should you pay 200 bucks to the barber, will he shave your stupidity?). Other times, ‘What?! Trouser ni 3k? Nunua tu ni kama itakuwa inakusaidia kuanua nguo zingine kukinyesha. Nunua faded jeans tujibambe njiva na change.’ (Trouser at 3000 bucks? You’re only buying that if it’ll help you get clothes from the clothes’ line when it rains. Then we can have fries with the change money.) Of course you’ve noticed Joe only does sheng’.
Meet Cate. I know you’re wondering; ‘A female voice? In your head?’. Every man has. And did you know every guy has a uterus? Yep, there’s a big old lady part in there somewhere. Left over from their days in the womb, men have a small, undeveloped uterus hanging next to their prostate gland. I guess this’ not me surprising you, it’s Jack! Anyway, Cate’s here of course to make the 3 gentlemen not to wander away forever to far off lands because that would mean i’ve gone nuts. I also reveal that Cate’s the one who has the spanner that tightens the bolts, screws and nuts so that there’re no loose nuts in my head. Quite a man’s job and so much of a genius she is. She once wanted me to do an engineering course in campus but ‘Joe’ won me over to his side, that I do actuarial studies, since there’re no girls in engineering as without girls he’d die. If there’s something i’d never wish for, it’s the death of the voices in my head. I therefore cooperated with Joe. But Cate is piteous and loathsome; reckless and beautiful; (though she ain’t visible) because she always sings. She does the background music accompanying events happening in my life. Can the voice in someone’s head know a song yet the ‘someone’ doesn’t know the song? Yes! Eg: When some lady enquires or wonders where i live in campus, of which many don’t know, Cate sings, ‘Yahaya yuaishi wapi?’ When I’m in the loo, she sings ‘I’m walking away’, and when I’m asleep and dreaming, she does an old children’s rock classic, ‘What’s that coming over that hill, is it a monster, a monster?’ and when with my girlie she does a ‘Oh if the sky comes falling down, for you, there’s nothing i cannot do’ piece of poetry. Getting it now? I don’t suffer from insanity; I do enjoy every bit of it.
I love Jack, Roby, Joe and Cate. They’re my world inside of me; the ones i talk to when you think I’m talking to myself and smiling at how awesome I sometimes can get; the only things alive and moving inside of me apart from the obvious ‘hookworms’ and ‘tapeworms’ in my tummy that are a result of feeding roadside ‘chapatis’ and ‘uji’ at the famous ‘Club 36’ in campus. Yet, they always work in tandem. You think I’m really crazy? What of those people that never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead!
So I’m seated on this concrete bench looking at the birds. I don’t remember whether it’s Roby or Jack who’s saying something like, “Flying is an art. Or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.” Oh yeah, it’s Jack. He’s the one who offers advice. I figure out that he’s talking to some young eagle that looks newly hatched perched up on some tree. But i wasn’t just seated there warming the concrete or cooling my butt-cheeks. I was waiting for the ‘student centre’ peeps to open the cafeteria, whilst thinking about the assignment that’s due Monday evening. Deadlines just aren’t real to me until I’m staring one in the face. It’s not that i don’t like work. I do love work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. Haha. You can know my work ethic by looking at the desk in my room; for if a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign of?
*Roby’s voice says i should just go Google the assignment, after all, creativity is knowing how to hide your sources*
*Joe reminds me of some site online; which even the lecturer cannot discover. Plus it’s also a live-chat site where you can chat up some girls*
*Cate’s singing ‘I love the way you lie’ to Joe and Roby*
*Jack’s going “Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life”*
Haha, do you at times think you’re so awesome, that you feel like waiting for yourself at some beach somewhere and at the same time running to meet yourself , arms wide open, with a warm big hug? That’s how i feel when telling people about the voices in my head. What if we could high-five ourselves? Wouldn’t it be great?