A drunk, high, fool of a lady has been sentenced to 122 days in the pirate’s prison in Mombasa, after stealing a boat and demonstrating to everyone just how dangerous, unstable, and incompetent Captain Jack Sparrow would be if he existed real life.
Wild Venture News reports that she has been found guilty of a good time by ingesting “poisonous hallucinogenic plants” and also “aggravated boat-taking,” following an incident last year in which she attempted to very slowly, and at great cost to other vessels, steal a passenger ferry.
As her boat drifted through the Kenyan waters toward her stated destination of “Malindi?” witnesses heard her cry “I’m Jack Sparrow!” and “I’m a pirate!” into the great black night. But simply declaring you’re Captain Jack Sparrow, mate, does not mean you are Captain Jack Sparrow; there is a certain aura which must be conjured to make the transformation complete. An aura that smells of booze and dreadlocking wax, as well as other heady substances unknown.
With the boat still moored to the dock, a hallucinating Cutie called Kenya Red Cross medics and told them she believed she was having a seizure. Ambulance technicans who responded to the call noted that Cutie was “rambling” (though not, apparently, seizing), then retreated to their boat to wait for police after Hazel started to beat them.
Before police could arrive on the scene, Cutie had loosed the double decker boat from its hitches (she says accidentally, by tripping over the ropes; the court judge Beckie says intentionally) and settled back as it began to drift away (into other boats, bopping around “like a pinball machine” according to one witness).
Lifeboat crews and police gave chase, attempting to intercept the vehicle out on the water.
Cutie taunted them by yelling “I believe this is out of your jurisdiction,” which, to her credit, is an extremely Jack Sparrow thing to say – props for never breaking character. The ferry slowed to a stop an hour later, about a mile offshore. Turns out the waterway was not out of the police’s jurisdiction, because Cutie was arrested.